TWO MOON JUNCTION HAS A LOT TO, UM, OFFER

WEIRD BONERS IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE WEIRD WAYS FILMS AFFECT US SPIRITUALLY, INTELLECTUALLY, AND OF COURSE, PSYCHO-SEXUALLY

When it comes to weird boners, Two Moon Junction is in the hall of fame. It’s the type of stimulating experience that was so common decades ago on HBO or Cinemax, something we took in every detail of while being prepared to switch over to something more appropriate if our parents happened to wake up. Two Moon Junction hails from a time when a film like this was a masturbatory retreat from a tired issue of Playboy our older brother handed down.

What causes the weirdest boner of all is how much this film offers even when everybody has their clothes on. I say everybody, but Richard Tyson can usually be found shirtless. Spoilers for the erotic stimulation, but at one point Richard Tyson is shirtless, muscles popping through an apron, while washing dishes.

Two Moon Junction follows Sherilyn Fenn as April, the most privileged southern belle this side of Dallas. From a white convertible with leather interior to an also all white wardrobe that repels dirt in the dustiest attractions, she’s the princess everybody labels her as. It’s no surprise to hear a twenty-something who’s had everything handed to her craves adventure, and daydreams of a life outside of a spotless parlor filled with diet pill-addicted pageant queens curtsying in $1,000 gowns.

It’s when a local carnival comes into town that she comes across Perry, a drifter hunk who’s the complete opposite of the perfect Michael Keaton knockoff she’s marrying so two powerful families can merge.

Something you’ll notice if you’ve watched films on Comedy Central, April and Perry’s meet cute with Perry leaning over a rail as George Thorogood’s “Who Do You Love” plays was parodied in Joe Dirt. Was David Spade paying tribute to an erotic classic that helped him through many lonely nights while writing a new “Total Bastard Airlines” skit? Possibly.

Even though Perry is a low life getting lapdances from Kirsty McNichol, or telling motel maids he notices they aren’t wearing panties whenever April’s back is turned, she’s addicted to the lustful sensations he creates. Multiple times she cries from the orgasms. While her yuppie fiancé is oddly enough the nicest person without any dickhead flaws, we have to imagine he’s a pre-mature ejaculator with no tongue game.

As April has the time of her life, her grandmother, played by Louise Fletcher, contacts the sheriff, played by Burl Ives, to keep an eye on her and put an end to this fling. From the previous sentence alone it’s made clear Two Moon Junction has a very above average cast for an erotic film. Not only does this film display icons like Fletcher and Ives, but we also have Herve Villechaize popping up as a greedy carnival owner. As mentioned previously, Kirsty McNichol appears for a couple of scenes to advise April to put rouge on her nipples and help Perry fight carnies. Towards the very end, the legendary Screamin’ Jay Hawkins has a cameo as a bar musician.

While Two Moon Junction is the last time Herve Villechaize and Burl Ives appeared in a film, it’s also the film debut of Milla Jovovich.

Along with a cast as exciting as the nudity, it’s shocking how beautifully shot Two Moon Junction is.

There’s a moment early on where April’s fiancé and a group of men are golfing. The camera cuts to April about to dive into a swimming pool. Between her and the pool, we can see her fiancé’s entourage half a mile away in the distance.

Later on there’s another great shot of April standing at the doorway of her mansion. The camera’s peering out from a study room with a shelf of books on each side. Outside the study is an entrance-way filled with gorgeous plants, and past those we see April near a towering oak door, all in a single frame. It’s brain-melting trying to comprehend a moment in time when mainstream films were allowed to be erotic while also displaying a surprisingly high quality use of set design and cinematography.

Aside from a perfectly assembled cast and shots framed by an expert, there’s of course the sex.

If you’re a Twin Peaks fan who can’t get enough of Sherilyn Fenn, Two Moon Junction answers all your prayers. Along with going topless multiple times, she’s also fully nude (in heels!) for a scene. It’s as if this film predicted how millions would be helpless to her beauty in 1990. I’m not sure if the producers of Two Moon Junction capitalized on that with a STARRING AUDREY FREAKING HORNE sticker when Twin Peaks was a monumental sensation, but they certainly should’ve.

For a 1988 erotic film, Two Moon Junction unexpectedly displays male and female nudity equally. In one of many fascinating moments during Sherilyn Fenn’s first nude scene in a gym shower, she removes a tile to reveal a Porky’s peephole aimed at the boy’s shower. It was certainly bold in 1988 to showcase four to five dudes aiming their butts and penises right at the camera.

Speaking of male butts and penises, let’s talk Richard Tyson.

During the first couple of sex scenes, Richard Tyson’s butt and abs are on display. It seems like we’ll see love’s sweet arrow, then the camera pans away just when we see pubes. Then, in the home run finale of a sex scene where Fenn and Tyson are in a perfectly lit barn with gorgeous antiques scattered about, we finally see it: in a mainstream film, an actor’s throbbing erection can be seen as Sherilyn Fenn gets off of him to catch her breath on the most visually appealing pile of burlap sacks. Her foot actually brushes against his erection while getting off of him.

Once more, this is a mainstream Hollywood film starring royalty like Louise Fletcher.

Two Moon Junction is one of the most exciting films existing on the outskirts of entertainment. If it wasn’t for displaying a name like Sherilyn Fenn from every angle, it’s possible this film would be entirely forgotten. Fortunately this film has an after dark gimmick that attracts attention towards unduplicated talent like Louise Fletcher portraying a powerful southern matriarchal figure calling the shots, great costumes, beautifully decorated sets, and a level of care shown in the cinematography that unbelievably exists in a film following someone finding a fulfilling side piece.

The greatest thing Two Moon Junction offers is the revelation that there’s many great things that have been lost and forgotten. If something as energetic and stimulating as Two Moon Junction can be buried by the sands of time, who knows what else is out there waiting to give us a charge.